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April 23, 2018

Lord Jesus, please forgive me for being a coward. Strengthen us all in your grace when we must walk a dark path of suffering. Strengthen us so that we love You just as much as when we are walking the paths of joy. Amen.

Well, precious Family, I pray you will not be scandalized, but I cannot withhold from you my weaknesses. I wouldn't want you to believe I was some kind of hero, because I'm not. In fact, I am very cowardly, as this episode reveals today.

The Lord had told us that Ezekiel's healing had begun, and he has had two very remarkable days--out of bed for a good 12 to 13 hours, on his feet and working a on a bit of music.

But today, he had a set-back episode that really knocked me for a loop and discouraged me. He had gone swimming two days in a row in our little pool, which is perfect exercise for us. But today, he had a very bad reaction to one of the chemicals in the pool water.

Now this has happened before. But we were hoping it wouldn't happen again. It caused him to be tormented with itching--severe itching--all over his body to the point of desperation. I could not give him any Benadryl, because it causes him side-affects. So, there was nothing we could do but wash as much of the chemical off as we could and apply Benadryl externally. And that didn't seem to touch it.

But because the anxiety was so severe with the itching, it set off cramps in his abdomen, his heart and his head. And what he went through looked very much like what had happened with him before when his meds were interacting in a bad way.

However, it did come to a stop after an hour, when my son laid hands on him. It immediately stopped.

But I have to tell you, I was completely discouraged and crushed. I prayed against lying symptoms, but this was not a lying symptom. Rather, one of our team members saw Russian troupes on the move and Ezekiel was standing in the gap to prevent an incident that could have pushed us into WWIII.

So, here is my cowardice. I came into prayer complaining to the Lord, "Lord, I can't handle this. There is nothing left for me, Jesus, to create with."

And in that sense, I was thinking of the songs He wants me to do. Which I'm getting very close to being able to sing.

So, I said, "There is nothing left for me, Jesus, to create with. This is so taxing, so excruciating, to see him suffer this way and behold his skin-and-bones body. You said You healed him, and yet look at this event today! It was just as bad as the others. And the pain! Oh my God, how can You stand to see him in that kind of pain? How can You stand to see me suffering this way? I don't understand You, Jesus. Your answer is not 'yes' today and 'no' tomorrow. None of this makes sense."

Then I thought about it for a moment, because the Lord was silent. I said, "Well, ok. He did provoke it by getting in the pool and his skin reacted. And I can see that something provoked that reaction in his abdomen and all over his body. But then all the pain after that? The shaking and the pain in his head and behind his eye. I thought You were done with these terrible attacks?"

And so, I came weeping to the Lord about this suffering on the heels of His promises that he was healed. And we felt so good about that for two days... And then all this. And now what was I feeling good about; the man is still sick!

"I don't understand You, Jesus. One moment is 'yes', how can the next be 'no'?"

And I went over and over this in my mind, crying even more. And then the song Dance With Me, Lover of My Soul came on and I said, "I am not in any place to dance, Lord. No, not in any place at all." Because He's in charge of what song plays when.

And so, I sat it out.

But then He came and wanted me to dance with Him and so I did stand up. And His face was so clear. His whole body was so clear.

But my heart was far from being that place of enjoying that time with Him.

All He said to me was, "Faith," as we were dancing. He said it again, "Faith. Have Faith."

And those words cheered me up a bit, for a little while. And now, here I am feeling stripped of all desire to do anything but crawl into a hole and die.

Oh, if only the Rapture would come soon. Oh, if only. But that is selfish of me. I want to get behind what God is doing, not flake out on Him.

Jesus still didn't reply to me.

So, I said, "Lord? Where are You?"

Jesus began, "Where am I always? I know this is hard for you. But it is, believe it or not, part of the healing process."

He thought he was doing something good, getting in the pool, Lord. And look what happened. He even thought it was pleasing to You. Oh, Jesus, these Sundays are so dark and hard. Please help me. Please, Jesus, say something.

He replied, "I love you."

Would You please help me get a handle on this?? I know there will always be suffering, but please. Can't you pass this on to another faithful servant? Preferably someone I don't know??

He continued, "You don't really know what I am doing here, Clare. You really don't. It's not just suffering for others. There is sanctification involved, for both of you. It needs to go a bit longer to get everything into line, just as I want it. Yet, it is on the decrease and he is beginning to heal. But you know how hard these episodes hit you. Part of that is your responsibility to suffer for your sanctification, as well.

"Put the guilt away. What I am doing is much deeper than that. Much deeper, Clare.

"There is a certain seasoning that must take place within your souls--a tempering that only suffering brings. It's hard to explain to you, but you are moving from a childhood of sorts to the maturity of the daughters and sons of God. It is not an easy path. It requires a very deep level of commitment, not to be shunned or passed on to another. This is all for your good, or I would not allow it."

But how do You expect me to create with this kind of oppression, Lord?

"That, too, is your option--but it is terribly limiting, and that's part of the scheme of things. How well do you take these limitations? How well do you surrender your rights for the sake of another who needs you? Without throwing your hands up in the air and saying, 'All right then, I'll just drop it for now.' No, that attitude doesn't fly, although I have heard your temptation to do that."

Yeah, like it's the Lord encourages me to work on a song, or work my voice--work on the piano. I get all excited for the time to do that, and then BANG. Something like this happens and I'm just running back and forth between prayer, trying to keep him comfortable, bringing everything he needs. You know, soaping him down and trying to rinse that chemical off him... just everything you can imagine. And just listening to him in that kind of pain. It just drains you.

So, yeah--there's times I just want to say, 'Forget the music! I'll just crawl in a hole and I'll just take care of him. I'm not going to worry about the music'. But He's saying here that that attitude doesn't fly...

He continued, "This is more about sanctification, deeper and deeper, to the things that really matter. I will say this much: you will never regret this time of suffering, never. Not when you see what it produces in both of you. Never will you regret it. Trust Me in this. And in everything else. But especially in this, which you just don't understand now. You will understand later and thank Me for it.

"My love, for now, just do your best. Write, sing, play--and when you can, as you can. And don't feel guilty for being crushed in spirit and not being able to do anything but cry. Don't feel badly; it's ok. You have My permission to cry. I just wish you didn't have to cry so much.

"All My promises to you are true and this leg of the journey is rough. It the last leg. Or the first leg of the next phase. And it sums up everything you have learned so far. It is like defending your doctoral thesis; it is, in a way, the culmination of your education, thus far.

"Do not allow yourself to be burdened beyond hope by it. Take note that there are signs of breakthrough and improvement and a very, very slow climb upward. But still trials. Trials that accomplish a work that cannot be had through any other pathway.

"In the moments you are beside yourself, come to Me just like this--your raw feelings hanging out--and let Me comfort you. Allow Me to explain to you what is necessary in this season and encourage you to continue on the upward Faith path that you began when we turned a corner."

Did we turn a corner, Lord? Or was that an illusion? Or just wishful thinking. And You know I hate wishful thinking. I am a realist.

He answered, "In all your 'realist' reality, we did turn a corner and begin a climb to his healing and restoration. It will be a slow climb and there will be moments when it seems like setback, but they are only moments of deeper sanctification and they will soon be fewer and fewer. But you must walk in Faith; not by sight."

But what about lying spirits, Lord?

He answered, "They come and go. When I am allowing an attack for the sake of other souls or world situations, it is the real thing. But there is nothing I allow that cannot be repaired instantly.

"You are beginning to understand that you cannot control the length of these episodes by any of your own devices--no matter how appropriate."

And what He means by that is that, gosh. I prayed the binding prayer - I bind this, I use the Routing sword, I do everything I can possibly think of. And no change. So, it makes me feel like, 'Golly. MY prayers aren't worth Diddly!'

But that's not true, I know. It's just that He is saying here that, "No matter how appropriate your prayers are, they're not going to 'work', because there's a certain length of time this needs to go on. And I'm in control of it" is what He's saying.

He continued, "Because I am using each one for a different purpose. One episode may be to prove the veracity of My anointing through ordination; another may confirm the power of the sacraments I have established through ordination. Another may be to confirm a young soul in the power of his healing gift, and to bring into being deeper levels of faith and compassion. Another may be to enlist the prayers of others, like the man who visited him in the worst moments and went out to the community and gathered many prayers.

"With each episode, there is a truth and a confirmation being stamped and confirmed into reality for those present. It is My reality, and I use these moments to accomplish more ends than you can fathom, in everyone present.

"And I want you to remember: many are called, few are chosen. And even fewer respond. No matter how deeply this grieves Our hearts, We will not lessen Our love or charity, nor will We give the devils opportunities for division. Each must choose their own path. Whether it is Mine or theirs, still it is free will--and I honor that, no matter how painful.

"So, I have explained much of your cross to you. Now you must take it up and walk with it. However, even as Simon, a mere mortal, helped Me carry My cross--so I am with you, Clare, in My Divine Power, helping you carry yours. Of this you can be sure. And I know in minute detail every step up that hill.

"Persevere in My grace, I will not let you down.

"And for you, My Heartdwelling Family, know that it is no sin to grow weary. As long as you just don't give up. Come to Me for the strength you need. And I will supply it. That is My promise to you."

And that was the end of His message.

So, Dear Heartdwellers, that gives you a pretty... pretty clear picture of where I'm at in all of this. Every day is different. Some days are good; some days are full of challenges.

Speaking of which, I wanted to let you know that we've been having some problems with the donation button. Which is really bad timing for us, right now. If you want to donate to our cause, you can go to and click on the donation there. If you have any problems with anything, let us know, and we'll see what we can do to clean it up.

There's also a link on our Home page on YouTube for donating. As far as I know, that's working.

But I thank you for your faithfulness, believe me. It keeps us... keeps us alive and moving along in the strength of the Lord.

God bless you all, Heartdwellers. Thank you for your prayers. I love you very much.