Why Do I Fail?

December 20, 2019

Thank You Jesus for allowing me to see my nothingness.  I have new hope knowing that You alone can do what is required and I finally recognize my very real poverty.  

Lord, I see that I am still trying to do things on my own.  As I struggle with settling in and organizing, I see that I have very little control over letting the mess go.  I still feel the compulsion to organize  more so I can find things more easily.  Yet I am sick of “STUFF”, all I want is to be with You and the souls who need me.   Yet I find that this compulsion to organize is constantly inserting itself against You.

Clare, you need functional organization, but the bare minimum.  You see you have so much it owns you My Love.  Use late afternoon to complete these details, but give Me the very best time of the day and ignore them until later.  This I will assist you in.

Well what is mostly on my heart is getting free to work on music.  I don’t seem to be able to do that.  And now I recognize I have been trying to do that.  I am laying this at Your holy feet Lord, with the confession that I cannot do this, I cannot rule over my time to accomplish this.  I am coming to you in utter poverty to do anything.  Jesus, I am counting on You, I give this to You, no longer can I try on my own, I can only acknowledge my weakness and give it to you.  

From your Mercy Lord, I expect wonders.  It is only Your grace and mercy that can deliver me from this quicksand I call my life.  I don’t want this to be my life anymore because I have nothing to contribute.  All I can say is that my ‘life’ my attempts, even my best attempts are failures without Your major intervention.  

I am laying this broken toy at Your feet Jesus and begging you to have mercy on me, for in my own strength I have done nothing, only You can make this happen.  Oh Jesus, change my heart so I am no longer captive to my flesh.  Please Lord, change my heart, use my time wisely, I lay it at Your feet, You are the only one who can resurrect this broken dream.  Show me the way out of this morass of self will, lead me to freedom.

My heart is bursting with desire to fulfill your will in this and I am finally thoroughly convinced I cannot do anything with my own resolve unless it is empowered and sustained totally by Your merciful provision of grace.  I recognize that I have been trying to do this. I recognize I have not acknowledged my complete and utter dependence on You, but rather I have tried…when what I should have done is take another honest look at my profound emptiness, calculate exactly what I could expect from myself, and acknowledge that to be nothing.  Not one thing of any value.  I cannot do it, I acknowledge that.  Lord I am but a lump of animated clay, totally reliant on Your breath of Life.

I have deceived myself in thinking that I’ll get it together today, tomorrow or next week.  The fact is I can’t get it together.  So I am coming to you bankrupt and begging You to take over, lead me by Your grace and mercy to make up for my lack and short comings.  Please Jesus, accomplish Your will in my poor life.

Jesus began,  “You have spoken well my very little Clare.  You are seeing the truth now, you are for the first time plumming the depths of truth and seeing that what I have laid before you is not possibly within your reach on your own.  I sympathize with you dearest, I know the depths of your pain and frustration and you have made a wise choice.  

Lord I do not always know what you want from hour to hour.  Some who are more spiritually attuned say that they know what You want of them from minute to minute.  I confess, I don’t. I know that that poison of self will is strong in me and I long for you to take that from Me…if only you will.

Jesus answered me, “I receive from you, your will.  This will take time, but remember I do not work through you as I do with some who are convinced they hear Me say go here, go there, do this now, do that.  And it is not for you to judge if they are accurate, but I assure you, accuracy eludes even them at times or they would be ruined by arrogance and self confidence.

You see My Love, even in hearing My voice,  you are all subject to error. Some who wish to be seen as self sufficiently in My will by their own power are gravely deceived. I must allow the fruit in their lives to ripen before they will even suspect how far they have strayed.  Some wish to be independent,  head strong, self sufficient, without error, but because I love them I will allow this error only so long as is necessary and then I will remove the veil of pride and ignorance and they shall once more be broken and truly dependent on Me and the very least of all in their own eyes.  That is why you cannot address this when you see it in a soul, I must work with them until they are ready and the fruit being rotten reveals there is error in their ways.  Until then, be patient My Love.

But you have come to Me fully aware of your fault of being self sufficient, being able to do this, having self control and wisdom, etc. etc.  You have seen yourself  and while it is painful and stripping away all confidence in your own ways, it is marvelously fruitful.

Lord, I suspect vain glory here.

Look to your covering Clare.  What has he told you?  I am merely fleshing out for you the fault all of you on earth have at some time in your lives and some, multiple times in their lives, because it takes repetition and maturity to really “get it.”

You have come to Me, naked, blind and poor, then, shall I turn you away?  Shall I say to you “keep trying with your own wisdom.”?  Or should I not acknowledge your very honest confession that you indeed have been trying to do this on your own?”  I am so glad you are seeing this.  You thought you saw it before, but truly, you didn’t or your actions would have brought forth good fruit.  But you stand before Me empty handed, bankrupt and looking only to Me as Your Savior.  Shall I not reward this with My intervention?”

Oh My People, you do so much in your own power.  You are convinced that I am with you and I do accompany you, but you never reach the depths of your neediness before Me.  Rather you acknowledge the Gospel premises that you can do nothing without abiding in the vine, but then you turn and go your own way in your own strength and you wonder why you fail??

I tell you truly, just as Clare has failed, so have you because you do not acknowledge the depths of your absolute emptiness and bankruptcy.  The Christian soul who thinks they can do anything because they are competent is deluded and sooner or later will suffer crushing defeat.  The soul that trembles before My words and comes to Me on bent knee, confessing their faults and insufficiency, that soul will receive the graces they need to succeed.

For some it is impossibly hard to acknowledge their weaknesses and failures in life.  So they find strength in self help books and launch out on their own again, this time laying the groundwork and better preparation.  However those who do not wait on Me to provide the inspiration, guidance and help will never reach their full Christian potential I created them for.

The ones who will most succeed are the littlest ones that tremble at my word.  Sure you can see others accomplish great things while they congratulate themselves and bask in their own shadow, and they may accomplish a goal but their character will suffer.  I want you to succeed at things while growing in greater humility and dependence on Me.  I want you to demonstrate to the world that I can do whatever I choose to do through souls who will cooperate, no matter how little they are in the eyes of the world.

You see, the goal in life is not to succeed at enterprises, the goal is to grow in holiness and love of your brother, to prepare yourself for Heaven while taking others with you.  When these two dynamics are satisfied then no matter if you failed if you failed in the eyes of the world, you indeed succeeded.

I have seen your poverty all along Clare.  I have seen the compulsions that cause you to go off course, and with your sincere confession of helplessness, I am moved to pity and by My grace and your obedient efforts I will cause you to finish the songs and do even more before taking you to Myself.  But most of all My dear one, I want you to remain as a helpless little child before Me, constantly praying and relying on Me alone.  In this way, you will remain irresistable to Me and together our music will touch the hearts of those who yearn for greater depths with Me.  

But here I must warn you dearest, do not compare yourself to other recording artists.  Fly on My inspiration alone and leave off with looking at the ways of others, rather look to Me Clare.  Look to Me and we will explore the sounds of love together. Look also to My Mother to help you arrange your time and anoint your voice.  She has had a major impact on your music that you are not aware of, her peace, protection and profound gentleness will infuse our music with another lovely dimension.  She is always with you, always solicitous for you  and wanting you to succeed  with all her heart.

One final word, leave off with condemming yourself.  You have been through an enormous trial lately, taking care of the souls who have come to the refuge, building, organizing and moving your life up into this Heaven blest seclusion.  Do not downgrade yourself for being absent to music, you have had your hands full and you are not superwoman.  You are just My little Clare, barely out of diapers, wide eyed with the wonder of this place, while being responsible to provide order and direction.  That is more than most could ever get done, but because you abide in the Vine, things do fall into order.

Yet this is a new season of complete dependence on Me to bless our music and bring forth comfort to the nations. I am with you dearest one and I am with all of you heart dwellers who have abandoned yourselves to Me and rightly see yourselves as very, very little and insignificant.  This I will bless.  This is humility and it is the bed rock that will support your house as it grows into something beautiful for God.