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September 7, 2016

The Lord is Merciful to sinners like me, Heartdwellers...and so you can be assured He will be merciful to you.

I have been told that I have to tell you what I did today. I am very ashamed of myself... Please, it's ok, I'm not looking for sympathy - I'm acting under obedience. Because what I did, many of you are doing.

When we were raising sheep, we always had a 'fence walker' or two sheep that always wanted to get out of the pen, even though they had fresh, premium feed and water inside the pen. They ended up being eaten by a mountain lion.

So, here is what happened.

I'm in the process of cleaning the closets, so to speak...and the pantry in our kitchen was a monumental mess. We eat a lot of natural foods that we buy in bulk, so there were all kinds of bags of oatmeal, sunflower seeds, brown rice, etc. etc. These old adobe houses don't have cupboards or closets - it's crazy! The kitchen is about 8x8 feet - really tiny. And I had put up some shelving where I kept all these odds and ends in very small cardboard boxes. It was messy, worn out, unsanitary, and I could never find anything. Open to the dust, as well - which is very thick in New Mexico.

Well, finally the day came for us to clean it up, but I didn't have anywhere to put things once I got them out of these old cardboard boxes and bags. So, I went looking on the Internet and found plastic drawers that were big enough, yet would fit on the shelves. From the very start, I had a check in my spirit. But I am stubborn. I pretended I didn't, because I just had to have this organized! After all - it wasn't sanitary.

So, I asked Valerie to get these for me at Walmart. In the meantime, that very little vestige of intestinal trouble that the Lord left as an occasional offering for Ezekiel - flared up.

Now, I want to make it really clear. He has had a major healing, and it's nothing like it was before, not at all. But between that and the fibro, because today another storm came in, his fibro was off the charts - and he had to go back to bed.

I looked at him in bed with an ice pack and thought to myself, 'Lord, is this my fault? Did I open a door by trying to get these drawers, knowing that I had a check in my spirit, and it might not be pleasing to You?' I had checked with the Bible Promises, and He hadn't given me ANY negative readings. But I had a check in my spirit. I wanted to dismiss it, but the more I thought about it, the worse I felt.

So, I called one of my prayer partners and asked her to seek the Lord on my behalf, hoping she'd come back with a word that it wasn't my fault and I didn't open a door. And this pain he had was intercessory.

After I did that I decided to go to the Bible Promises one more time, because the first three readings I got were ambiguous. I said, "Lord, if this is my fault, please let me open to 'guilt.' Guess what I opened to? Yup, Guilt. So, immediately I called Valerie and said, "Please don't get anything else on that list." She answered that she was able to get everything but the drawers, there were a couple of other small items that I could have limped along without and she did get those.

Well, then I get a call from this prayer partner and she told me, "The Lord said that you shouldn't be asking me that question; you should know." She also said she was under heavy conviction the moment she asked, because she, too, had some issues that the Lord was warning her about.

Needless to say, I was very convicted and came to Him repenting. Lo and behold, in the next few minutes Ezekiel 's pain went away.

Well, that cinched it.

I prayed, "Holy Spirit, please help us organize this in a clean and secure way without the drawers." 'Cause really, guys - I was so frustrated. I thought, 'How am I gonna do this without any drawers?' No place safe to put them where they were away from the mice.

Then a friend showed up to help me and we discovered some large, flat Sterlite containers that would fit on the shelves. So, we went to work for 5 hours and finally got everything either thrown out or cleaned and organized in the containers. Holy Spirit had helped me work it out without the drawers I insisted I needed.

Later, after worship...I didn't see the Lord, so I asked Him, "Are You there? I wouldn't blame You for not speaking to me... after I pushed the line today."

He began very clearly and softly, "I can't trust you." (My heart fell...) "I need more obedience, even if you are being tempted and especially when you are being tempted. You have to say to yourself firmly, 'Don't do it.' Why can't you stop yourself, Clare?"

I sighed. I felt like a little child being scolded by her father. I thought about it and answered, "Pride. My stubborn attitude: 'But I really need these!'"

He answered, "See, how we made do without? And very well, I might add. When are you going to learn to trust Me?"

"Lord, I didn't see that alternative and I didn't want to go back to cardboard boxes, and mice, and ratty, old bags, and layers of dust!"

He answered me very compassionately, "I understand. I really do." And for the first time in hours, His face became visible to me. It was so tender. I could see plainly that He loved me dearly, and He did understood. But I had hurt Him.

He replied, "Even when you can't see an alternative and feel like you just HAVE to have it - especially then - you must trust Me, and not insist on your own way."

Unhhhh (groan)... This is hard for me, it really is! There's know, this compulsion to have everything neat and orderly. It's just hard...

Anyway, I was thinking about how Ezekiel was the one that suffered over this. And that our Youtube family would never understand - rather they'd think God was a harsh, punishing tyrant.

The Lord answered my thoughts, "But I have taught them about opening doors, and we ARE going to talk about this. We must. I have a whole group out there that are doing the very same thing, and I want it to stop, for their own good. They are getting severely buffeted and not ready for promotion. I want them to have the tools to understand why they are under attack, so they can make an informed choice. That's why I want to talk openly about this. NOT just to embarrass you."

He continued, "You see, Beloved Heartdwellers, I am not the mean one here. Satan is stalking you, like a lion crouching. His tail twitching - just waiting for you to take the bait and sneak out of the sheep fold. He knows you are in the safety of the sheep pen, and that he must lure you out before he can attack you. So, he sends a spirit of LUST, to inflame you to want your way.

As the Scripture teaches: "Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world -- the desires of the flesh, the desires of the eyes, and the pride of life -- is not from the Father but from the world. The world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God remains forever...." 1 John 2:15-17

And I just want to add here that, if you have to have something in the world - you just HAVE to have it! Even though you sense that the Lord doesn't want you to have it. Then you love the world more than you love Him. And that's the place I was in today. I loved my neat and orderly kitchen more than I loved the Lord, or I never would have told Valerie to get those for me.

And it's funny, I just got that reading in the Bible Promises Book. "Lust" And that's the Scripture under Lust. Another sigh. "I am so embarrassed."

He continued, "This is not about a harsh, relentless God; this is about staying alive, staying safe, staying out of reach of your enemies and moving forward in your equipping and calling.

"You see, I cannot graduate you to another level until you are trustworthy under pressure and temptation at the level you're at now. If I do that prematurely, you will get slammed, and those you are leading will suffer as well. Once you learn and stand up under pressure, then I can give you the gifts I want to give you for souls. So many of you yearn for the gift of healing and of knowledge, but they come with a price.

"We are in the process of learning now. Please, Heartdwellers, I do not deny you certain things because I am mean or petty. I hold them back from you because I know in the end they will be harmful and you will feel great remorse.

"So, the lesson here is: Trust Me. As a very wise soul once said, 'Whatever God does not provide for you, is of no use to you.' Trust Me. If I am convicting you of sin and you are playing deaf, as though you can't hear Me, you are only opening more doors for the demons to sift you. It doesn't have to end in tragedy and suffering if you will only hearken to My voice and stop sinning. Your life does not have to be sterile and void of fruit, lukewarm and the same old, same old.

"You can break out of this place and your key is to listen to what whisper, and I put in your heart...'

"Don't do it."