When I Fall I Run To Him

April 27, 2017

I pray, Lord, that You would grant us all the grace to be so in Love with you that we totally forget ourselves and live only for Your pleasure.

Well, Spring time finally landed some arrows in my heart - when I had to find something to cover my four palm plants I have had for years. Let me explain. We have a sunroom with clear roofing that we built when my mother passed away. It gives light and heat to the entire house. It's about 35 by 25 feet and has a very small hot tub and exercise pool.

Of course, after it was built about ten years ago, I purchased some modest-sized plants for it. Every year I struggle with wanting to add a fresh springtime plant. But I haven't in about nine years. Well, this time I had to retire the ground cover on the palms and it left them drying out almost overnight. So, I figured, 'Well, this is a necessity for their health. I'll just get a little ground cover to protect them.'

In the meantime, the Lord had been warning me that I was getting near the edge. Little things had been popping up for days here and there. My husband even brought up an old word I had gotten quite a while ago. But he didn't see this coming and I was just wanting to make sure these plants didn't suffer. I never intended to do anything further.

Right? lol...oh boy.

Be that as it may, a volunteer had also torn up a little island of tansies when he turned the soil and there was a big blank spot, right in the middle. I began reasoning...just a couple of ground cover plants and that will take care of it.

So, I took the liberty of getting what I needed and some seeds and a couple of other little things to fill in two other bald gardens. After getting them home, I began to feel conviction that I over-did it. In fact, I shouldn't have even gotten the handful I got.

As I was pondering that, I had to face Him. I remembered the teaching He gave me to not run away from His arms but run to them. I had to go to the Lord with the Bible Promises about something else and I opened to repentance. In that moment, guys - I felt such conviction, I dropped to my knees and cried my heart out. After I had really, deeply repented, I said, "Lord to tell you I am sorry is a joke."

How could I do this to You? I don't understand. Pride? Presumption? You let me fall. I am not fit for this job. I wouldn't blame you if you took it from me.

Jesus answered me immediately, much to my surprise. Because I thought I wouldn't hear from Him for a while.

I wouldn't blame You if You took it from me...

And He said, "And have you abandon your flock?"

No that's not what I had in mind. Jesus, all I want to do is get right with You again. How could I be so stupid?

"Clare. Remember, you have an enemy. And for days I've been warning you. But it went right over your head. Your heart is too preoccupied with the things of this world."

Lord why did you make flowers and springtime...and a husband who loves pink? It's not Your fault, but we are so weak.

"Precisely." He answered

What do I do?

"Repent. Turn around and be Mine and Mine alone, Clare."

Oh, I'm so sorry. What do I do with these flowers?

"What do you think?"

I want to get them out of my sight. They remind me of my weakness and knowing You didn't want me to have them and I hurt you... Well, I could never enjoy them. If they caused You pain, there's no joy in that, only remorse.

But they are pretty...

"If I let you keep them it will feed Avarice. Do you want that?"

No.

"Well, I'm leaving it up to you, Clare. What would make Me happiest?"

Right.

"I don't want to deprive you. But I want you healthy spiritually and you're still too vulnerable. Too weak. But I love you. And I will never give up on you."

I don't deserve Your love, Lord.

"No one does. It is My nature to love even those captive to their own desires. I will let you keep them under one circumstance. You must never do this to Me again. Never."

Oh Lord, as weak as I am I can't promise anything. I know how weak I am. Even with the best intentions I fall. I couldn't DO that.

He answered, "That's right. Better to return them and never do this again anyway."

Lord, there's only one thing that matters in this life to me, and that is You.

"I'm glad you see that. Don't compromise with Satan. When you do the wrong thing, undo it."

Lord, why didn't Ezekiel say something?

"And incur your disappointment? But He was blinded, too. You knew the whole time you were doing it that you shouldn't."

So, why did I? I didn't feel it, I rationalized - well, maybe He won't be upset with me, because this IS a necessity - it seems. In fact, I think I said, 'Lord, please don't be upset with me.'

"That's your warning that you're about to go off in the wrong direction. I'm very glad you didn't wait to come to Me. I'm very glad you came to Me immediately. This is what I want from all My children. Don't wait two days. Don't hide under the covers. Come immediately and repent."

Lord, it's not so much the loss of the flowers that makes it hard - although now that it's been several hours I recognize there's an attachment there. It's having to admit to my son that I really blew it, and him having to return them. Yet he is so humble, he will not say a word.

"I'm making an example of you, Clare. When you do something wrong, it can't possibly have good results."

Well, what do I do now...?

"Don't be double-minded. Take them back. Then we will have peace between us. Please don't do this to Me again. Please don't ignore My warnings because you think it will be OK. That's presumption, My Love."

I see that.

"Well, make the call, then we will talk some more."

So, I did call to tell him the bad news. He was very gracious about it. What a fool I am...

'I'm so sorry, Lord.'

"Me, too. But, come here and let Me hold you. You need a shoulder to cry on."

Boy, I sure did. More sobs...

"I forgive you, Clare. Let's get busy, we have some music to write, some songs to sing and some souls to save. Come with Me now, unfettered by worldly ties. Let's fly above all the turmoil, over the rainbow..."

And I thought of that song. Oh, my gosh, that's such a joyous song! How in the world am I going to work on that right now? I'm a mess!

'Oh Jesus, You are so kind and so good.'

"And you are so faithful...right?"

I'm getting there with Your tender care.

"Yes. You are."

I'm so sorry, Lord.

He replied, "Must I say it again? I forgive you."

One can never be too forgiven, one of my favorite Christians once said. Lord, do you really want me working on music now? Shouldn't I take a nap and reboot?

Which is normally what I do when I have a good cry...

He answered, "No, I really want you working on music now. I want this incident to be water under the bridge and behind us."

OK...You know best.

Well, I went to my emails and one of our prayer warriors shared this with the group. Someone in the group had said something that they regretted. And they apologized to everyone. One of the ladies replied to his email and said, "It couldn't have been more accurate for my situation. I am telling u I fall every second of the day. All I want to do is hide from our Lord. But His infinite love draws me even closer to Him. So I always tell Him, 'Lord I am not like Your other children, I am very weak, and I will fall. But please don't ever give-up on me. I need you."

And that was a beautiful statement that she made. And boy that just, that just nails it to the wall for me. That's exactly where I'm at. PLEASE don't ever give up on Me, even though you deserve it. 'Cause I don't know if you guys are familiar with the Scriptures on repentance, but let me look these up and share them with you.

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart. And He saves those who are broken in spirit. And if you put away the sin that is in your hand, do not let wrongdoing in your tents. Then, you will be able to lift up your face without sin.

And I opened to, the second thing I opened to in the Bible Promises was Seeking God.

The Lord is with you when you are with Him. If you look for Him, He will let you find Him. But if you leave Him, He will leave you forever.

As for you, My son Solomon, know the God of your Father. Serve Him with a whole heart and a willing mind, for the Lord looks into all hearts and understands every plan and thought. If you look to Him, He will let you find Him. But if you turn away from Him, He will turn away from you forever. I Chronicles 28:9

And when I read that, I was just crushed. I thought, 'Oh, my God. I can't live without Him. I can't live without You, Lord.'

Thank goodness He forgave me. But guys, I am so weak, I don't know if I'll fall again? And for those of you who rejoice when I fall, understand: it reveals the Lord's mercy and goodness all the more to our listening audience.

God bless you, dear Heartdwellers. And forgive me for being a really poor example. But know that if He can love and use me, He can love and use anyone.